In an attempt to save what was really in the whole of the universe and life a measly amount of money, I recently bypassed the wonderful and tasty boxes of cereal for the bag cereal. Yeah, you know, the bag cereal.

I thought, “Hey, here’s this giant 2 lb bag of cereal, for this low, low price. That should get me through quite a few days. More than that micro box of Life for $4.99, for sure. So what if it has a giant circus elephant on the front? Once I get past utter embarrassment at the checkout line, I’ll be fine. I can have yummy cereal all the time now thanks to this giant bag!”

Ha, yeah, all except for the yummy part. My mom brought me up better than this.

I bought the circus elephant equivalent of Cheerios. I could have gone with “Magic Shapes” or “Fruit Whirls,” but I thought “nah, I’ll stay healthy with ‘Toasted Oats.’” Oh my God they were the grossest thing ever. You know how Cheerios are like actual, rounded donuts of toasted whole grain oatey goodness? Well, someone let the air out of “Toasted Oats” and forgot to add the goodness. Instead I get fried, soggy wetness, and flat withered discs of sort-of oatey material.

Never, ever again. Cereal is expensive, but so is health care. I’m so sorry body, for putting you through 2 lbs of that stuff. I’ve bought some real Cheerios and some real Lucky Charms so that we can be friends again. Let’s go grab our new friend Mr. 2% Milk and chill together.

* munch-munch-munch *

Mmmmm, talking bees and leprechauns FTW